bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
