Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dignity is for republicans.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My vagina just clenched in fear
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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