I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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