Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
