I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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