The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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