Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize