So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
