I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
send nudes
from the living room?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
