i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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