Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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