You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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