is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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