Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
