Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
