Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
