you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
