we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
