You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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