I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
