should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
