my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
