I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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