Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
