Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
