I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
