I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
