someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
