I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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