on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
