i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
