i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize