Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
