I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize