Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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