dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
