I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
