I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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