btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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