I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
