I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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