i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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