Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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