So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
