I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize