Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
