It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
