You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
