: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
