Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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