It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
