Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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