well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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