He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
