I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize