how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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