We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
