im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
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