I need to stop coming to work sober
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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