She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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