turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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