That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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