i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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