Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
